Sunday, July 12, 2015

Predict the Weather, Leave me Be.

This year? I have not been keen.

Don't tell me what I  all ready know.
Don't put your words in front of a name
who's sentences  He or I could both finish.
Don't overestimate or underestimate me;
I've earned the right to be selfish for
a time, but not until the end of time.

I've given up my pretenses,
I will not laugh because you want me to,
I will not apologize for my imperfections,
I will be confrontational,
 be sometimes devoid, and some days
wear a warning sign in my eyes that says
 'avoid at all costs'.

This for me is progress.

Whenever someone laughingly asks me
'What's the worst thing that could happen?'
I can laughingly answer for all time
"Fuck-wit, it has all ready been".

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Pre-Spring Thaw... Winter Also Can't Last Forever

After enduring what's got to be the worst year of my life on record,  I finally have days where I nearly feel completely like myself again...  And i feel awful about it,  there's a part of you that feels if you don't hold on the grief and keep it fresh,  you've done some injustice to the person you've lost.  There are people who will remind you of this as well,  aren't they GREAT?!?

Thankfully,  I married John McLoughlin,  and it's days where I hear his voice telling me I've got to "get on with it",  "cope",  or just his general way of being supportive in his own unique manner that tells me the winter was awful but won't last forever,  and although the world will never be the same?  It's the only bloody world you live in,  and you're not doing anybody a scrap of good if your just wrapped up in yourself.

I came to this conclusion after visiting my cousin Keith today,  he's suffered an aneurysm last Spring and has been rehabilitating in Boston.  I decided the weather wasn't going to keep me from a visit and was surprised to find the weather wasn't to be my concern.  It was the MBTA,  or the lack of it that would be my hurdles.  It's not an exaggeration that I took three busses to get to the train,  only to find that it was...  A BUS! A bus took me out of the South Shore to the fringes of Boston so I could resume my travels to Chelsea,  an area of Boston most people wouldn't venture to unless there was the aforementioned "cousin in a rehab"  scenario.  I clutched Gwendolynn. Now and then to make sure she was protecting me the way a musical instrument is supposed to protect a commuter.  It is hoped whomever sees it says "don't hurt this guy...  He knows how to play" cumbaya" and will entertain us if/when the train breaks down.

Once I got to the rehab,  it of course started to snow again and I was forced to arrange my time to make a great Escape and not wind up walking home in the dark.  I left home to visit Keith at 8:30 am,  arrived past noon and nearly immediately. Needed to start making my return trip arrangements.  Eek,  I said.  Of course I brought Gwen and had every intention of showing her off a bit when I was informed unless I was a scheduled musician I could just zip the case right back up.  Really!?!?  So,  of course I went to the desk,  got the phone number for the director,  and figured that I may not be the best musician in the world,  but given this is a nursing home?  If I schedule my performance close to med times they're either in for a treat,  or they won't even remember I was there in the first place.  Win/Win,  baby!

So,  maybe Keith will have to wait a week or so to hear my completely unbelievably awesome Gwendolynn,  it gives me time to work on a few nursing home friendly songs...  I'm thinking this will not be a GG Allin kind of room ,  and it let's me know I am trying to entertain an entire floor of inhabitants,  ones I've come to know a bit,  and I have to say this is NOT the way I thought nursing home patients or staff would behave..  It's nice to see not all rehabilitation centers are scary and smell of moth balls.  And it's nice that i want to try to breathe some life into it...  Even if they are clammering over each other trying to get out of the range of my voice,  haha.  IT'S not really all about me either,  even if it gets me out of my own head,  it's still me trying to give a little back.  God knows these people could use a laugh.  Shalom!

Monday, February 2, 2015

How to Improperly Vent... This could Happen to You!

Once upon a time there was this guy named Bony who must have really not expected to shovel which is really odd considering it was winter, he owned a car he drove regularly, and the undeniable fact that in this completely fictitious part of the world where he lived it had snowed twice in one week.

Now it would seem that this fellow would come to the realization that shoveling was mandatory for him, but due to  his alcohol consumption, simple common sense was failing him. Not only was that notion missing it's mark, but obviously he had another notion that some other character in this story, someone who relied on his own two feet for transportation should share. What a silly boy. I know.

This other character,   a sharp minded, attractive man we'll call Brian was a good hearted guy who was generous to a fault but for the facts that he immensely disliked winter and all its accessories;  cold, snow, and Christmas being examples.  Christmas was an entirely different source of misery,  but? That's a story for another time.

Bony had a bad day yesterday.  He had mistakenly thought Brian was absolutely responsible for some of the task at hand, overlooking the aforementioned independence Brian regularly displayed in his daily activities.  Though Brian may be relied upon to borrow gas money and was a regular passenger in the vehicle, it was only during shopping for the home and errands that had other than Brians interest at stake, such as food shopping, doctors appointments,  abd court appearances.

Brian remained warm and dry that day while Tony, oops! Bony didn't.  He shoveled alone because it was his car and even the threat that Brian would no longer be offered rides couldn't have its desired effect since Brian never relied upon anyone's car for rides.  Brian felt no guilt at all. The end.

Any similarities with living people is coincidental in nature. This is a work of fiction.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

My Head in Your Neck.

I still smile when I blow out the candle next to the picture frame that holds your face.
My new favourite ritual has happened in at least half a dozen changing settled space.

That you're away from me in such finality is sinking into me. At night I find us chatting and I tell you I've had the worst dream, and you say that it isn't as it seems,

but lets enjoy this moment together for as long as we can.

In the morning, I've got to get up and out,  I still have stuff to do.
It's more difficult without you, but I want you to be as proud of me as I am of you.

When the day is through, I return to my dream of you
 telling me it isn't as it seems.

Let's enjoy this moment together as long as we can.

I try to enjoy that I'm hugging on you, and lose my grasp on the fact that when I wake up you're no longer here with me,
because that's not how it seems.
We enjoy this moment together as long as we can.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Introductions.. and Flat out Theft.

Now, I'm not one for theft, or theivery, or stealing anything at all..but?
I did have to change my moniker to something that suited me better these days.
And? As an added bonus? I'd Love to thank my friend and besty in weirdness as children for a catchy Header..and if I could? I'd like to think that I have so much to write about these days that's it's only fitting that I should own this... and in the event we get to bickering about it? Well, I plan on expresso in a dark alley restaurant... I'm thinking New Orleans.. to hammer out the details..

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

58 Words For John

you came into my world,

and nothing was the same.

the world became smaller.

the sun shone brighter.

food tasted better.

we shared our music and laughter.

we became something bigger.

puzzles were easier.

people seemed closer.

and everything was made more fun.

now you are gone,  and nothing's the same.

but how wonderful what you had done.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

My 9/11.. or? Why I left work early that day.

I arrived to work on September 11, 2001, it was the first day I'd been back since losing my Mom on August 26th, and though my boss suggested that 'getting back into my routine would be the best thing for me', I had other plans the second week I didn't return. We'd graciously been given Labor Day weekend to remove her belongings from the assisted living apartment she had inhabited for less than a year, and they HAD to have it rented out again at the beginning of the month, that was VERY important.. but? They'd give us til Sept 5th, and both my sister and I pondered their 'thoughtfulness' about the same way we mustered up our 'thankfulness' for the nice Ambulance service that told us our Mother owed a thousand dollars for not booking the ambulance prior to her surprise fatal heart attack 24 hours in advance, but that they'd give us til the end of that month to pay it.

That experience alone would be enough to put you on the offensive; Her best friend leaving a list of Christmas and Birthday gifts over the years that she would like returned probably destroyed what was left of our superficial smiles and passivity. One day past our Mom's funeral? We had nothing left in the way of mourning and apologies and good will. It was 'back to business' and Charlene and I were both 'done' mentally and physically, we were tired of telling people how sorry we were for their loss, we had work to do, bills to pay, and time to mourn properly would have to wait. Neither of us knew how long, or that a series of events were going to take place that would postpone our mourning for while, let alone confuse our mourning, increase our mourning, or catapult the both of us to a place where we were more lost and in shock than we were on the morning of August 26th that year.

Both of us had jobs that couldn't be performed by stand in or replacements, that we got the time off we did punctuated our thoughts during a time that we had little or no time to organize what we were doing or what came next in the process. Putting our to do list together involved a lot of tasks, none of which were personal in nature. So? In between packing boxes, soothing friends and relatives, and organizing a wake and funeral for our favorite person, every so often one of us would look at each other and laugh and say 'I can only imagine what my desk looks like right now'. There's never a good time for a tragedy. In the event you all ready have one to deal with? You start to get a mixture of feelings. "What's the worst that could happen now?'  all the way to "Nothing could possibly shock me anymore these days". We'd  all ready had offers on my Mother's car, lovingly referred to as 'the car'.. and when someone said <before we'd even put our Mother into the ground, mind you>  'I know somebody who wants to buy 'the car'. My sister and I dealt with this kind of behavior just as our Mom taught us, with laughter. We looked at each other and said 'Hmm, what do YOU want to do with 'the car'?'/'I don't know. What do YOU want to do with 'the car'?'/'I think we should turn 'the car' into 'a box', I don't want to ever see anyone else driving it, what do you think?'/'Ooo, I like that idea. Sorry, tell your friend 'the car' is not for sale, we're turning into 'a box'.' We may not agree on much; That was the easiest agreement we'd come to at the time.

By the time I returned to work I was resolved that work was probably the best thing for me, it was something I could control, I liked my cube, and I was not surprised to find two weeks worth of work piled all over my desk, untouched by anyone during the time I was gone. It's nice to be missed, it sucks to return to your desk to find that you have two weeks worth of work to catch up on. It was a good thing I had no one left to lose for the rest of the year <or so I thought> because it would take that long to get caught up, what a great 'gift' to return to. I courageously moved the files that were on my desk, my computer, my chair <REALLY? My chair?> and turned my computer on and plugged my headphones in. At the time? Howard Stern hadn't sold his soul to the devil for 80 million dollars and was merely entertaining rather than be the 'whatever the hell he turned into'. Sorry Howie, go to digital radio, but go without me. Where I come from? Radio is still free to listen to. On September 11th, Howard was on my headphones, for free, and making sure radio was devolving to levels that New York and Boston radio to this day has never recovered from... but I digress.

It should be no surprise that when I stood up from my chair and said 'A plane just flew into the the Trade Center', the first question was 'where did you hear that?' and less surprising would be the response of 'What WILL that Howard Stern guy say for attention next... it can't possibly be true.' A few minutes later when I said "It's happened again.. a plane flew into the second tower' the fact that I was freaking out stirred my boss to turn on the television, or search the web for confirmation. Getting a bunch of accountants to awaken from the number stupor we were always in is difficult. This did that. I started putting on my jacket.

My boss turned to me and said 'Where are you going?' and I replied 'Today is 'Anything can happen' Day obviously, and all I can see is the Prudential Building outside my window, and the only thing between me and the Prudential Building is a sheet of glass... so, I'm going home now before a plane flies into it'. A few people looked at me and said 'Good idea, and my boss said she agreed and that was that'. I went downstairs to the retail print store and saw that leaving and closing shop was all ready being organized and people had all ready left. We worked on Boylston Street <coincidentally VERY close to a certain marathon bombing, but? Also another story for another time> and I was lucky enough to live on Boylston Street, and though I'd always take the train home? THIS day would be unlike the rest of the days before it or after it. I WALKED home in a crowd of dazed people. I imagine it was the sort of daze, loss, and confusion that occurred when JFK was shot.

I bought a bottle of rum at the corner liquor store before it closed and walked into my apartment by 9:45 a.m. and was pouring two Rum and Cokes and my then partner heard me and got out of bed and said 'What do you think you're doing?'

I said 'Turn on the television. The entire world has changed forever.'